Anxiety: I’ll see if I can find a good way to describe it. It almost feels like misplaced adrenaline? Like constant flight in a non fight or flight situation.
I worry about things that other people would think is silly. I don’t just worry, I obsess. I make lists, I replay conversations over and over again in my head, I re-read text messages until I feel beyond broken. I compare myself to other people, but I am not a narcissist. I am not doing it to feel better or worse about myself, I do it to try to understand.
I feel empathy. When someone near me is sad, I feel sad. When someone near me is happy, I feel happy. When someone near me feels hopeless, I understand.
I want to feel normal. I want to go a whole day without feeling like something was wrong somewhere in my life. I feel like an emotional wreck most of my day. On the flip side, I feel monumentally accomplished when I do something that I think that I could not do or when I think I’m not going to finish something on time and I get it done, better than I thought, and early!
I stay awake at night wondering what is going to happen to me in the future, what will happen to my kids if something happens to me, what will happen to my husband? Geez. I wake up exhausted.
This is the shit that goes through my mind. It’s awful not being able to let go of things. I wish I could be one of those people but it just doesn’t happen. I laugh at people when they tell me, “you need to let it go”. Sure thing buddy, tell me how.
I’ve tried breathing exercises, counting things, doing the “sight, smell, touch, sound” exercises, and countless others. Walking, driving, humming… Temp fixes for a permanent thing. I feel defective.
I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!
The other thing that pisses me off… “I know how you feel…” Nope. Thanks well adjusted friend. Comparing how I feel all the time to how you feel before a first date, not the same. That is nervous, there is a difference. I hate when people try to make you feel like they get it when they don’t. They try to convince you that this one time, when something happened to them… Still not getting it. I don’t need you to tell me you know how I feel, I need you to just be there. Sometimes human contact goes a long way. A hug makes a difference, not always, but sometimes. I know it’s sad, but sometimes I keep people around that I don’t like so that I know who not to turn into. I’ll probably never tell them that but there is my secret, lol.
Until next time friends….